Being Alone In The Big Apple

I am super selective about who I let into my personal space.  My space is sacred and I protect it from negative energy with a forcefulness that could rival a lioness protecting her new cubs.   I share it with the people I love and care about most or those who bring their own  positive vibes to enhance it or that I find stimulating in some way.  Once I decide to let a person into my world, they are usually there for good.  And because I value quality relationships highly, I invest a lot of time and energy to ensure that those I have grow strong, deep roots.  It takes time and work and often times taxes my resources.  Therefore, I cannot afford to have too many, but over the years I have gathered quite a few. The conundrum though is that none of them...not one are here in NYC.  Peculiarly, all my dearest friends are in other countries and other states.  My challenge has become establishing new meaningful relationships in New York City outside of my family unit.   And believe me...making new friends is not my forte.

And dating?  You mean putting myself out there in this huge, strange place?  That's another story. When I first came to New York getting used to having nothing to do and no one to hang out with  on a Friday night was rough.  I mean really rough!  Fridays for me as an Island girl,  used to be all about meeting up with friends and buying rounds after rounds of alcohol, eating black/blood pudding and grilled fish on the side of the road, driving around town from one 'liming' spot to another until we found ourselves at some beach bar partying till dawn then going home to have hot sex until the sun came up.  Then sleep all day Saturday, without any feelings of guilt whatsoever. Aaaaahh! the good old days.

 

However, I find it can be very difficult to meet people in New York City if there isn't a place that you go to regularly like a job, school, church, the bars or clubs.  New Yorkers notoriously do not make eye contact with strangers, let alone start conversations.  So the probability of making a lasting friendship from a passing encounter is slim.  In this post Here are the things I have tried and why they failed:

GOING OUT ALONEI fly solo most of the times.  Except for the occasional family dinners or the once in a blue moon dates,  I do most activities (recreational and otherwise) alone.  Some people may find it a little strange,  but I am quite comfortable in my own company.  I go to the movies alone, I prepare and enjoy elaborate "dinners for one", I window shop alone, I go dancing alone, I date myself, and I love it. 

           

However,  I also love good company and from time to time I miss it.  Though I enjoy doing most things alone, since I have been in New York City I have discovered that one thing I'm not comfortable doing alone here:

That's right!  Going to the bars alone!  Apparently, that's where single people go to meet each other, yet I find it self-defeating.  I am just not comfortable with the idea of dressing up and going out to a bar alone to sit around waiting for some other lonely desperate soul to hit on me.  But I live my life by the "I will try anything once" philosophy.  So I did.

I walked into a Buffalo Wild Wings, all dressed up one Friday night, took a look  around, chose my space at the bar and ordered a beer.  I was sitting there alone, doing nothing. There were at least 6 to 8  other people at the bar as well.  Some were having telephone conversations, some were busy texting, the others were deeply engrossed in the golf game on the big screens.   Not one seemed even remotely interested in having a conversation!  Sighs!  Now what?  I've  gotten my drink and feel super awkward and out of place because I don’t know whether to stare straight ahead and pretend I have a clue about golf,  or take out my phone and find someone to randomly text.   Since I had decided to enjoy the night no matter what, I just reached inside me, found some confidence, ordered a huge serving of junk food and spent the rest of the night admiring the bartender's perfectly shaped ass and giving off an "I do this all the time" air.  By the end of the night the gentleman next to me give me an unsolicited crash course in the game of golf....all of which I only retained for the duration of the night.  He was clearly tipsy and very enthusiastic.  I pretended to be interested for the sake of being polite.  I was bored to death. I made the best of it anyways.,  I tried the bar thing again on other occasions and I had the same uncomfortable feeling.  I may have grown out the bar scene. It's funny, because before I came to New York, I had no problems going to bars alone.

Feel free to share your own experiences or offer any advise you think I might find useful in the bar scene.  My upcoming post will be about online dating.  Thanks for reading. 

Nuff Love,
Zara Nuru. 

Strength, Beauty and Resilience...Life is in full bloom!

This morning I went outside to water my small container garden. I was pleasantly surprised that my rose bush was in bloom!



I am very fond of the plants in my garden.  But this rose-bush is particularly special to me.  Like all my other plants, it has a story.  It was bought as decoration for the family's barbecue in celebration of Tshara's graduation from Scarsdale High School in June.  It was a small pot with about 6 dwarf Canadian rose bushes in full bloom in a heavenly yellow hue.  The day it came, I took a long moment just admiring its beauty as the center piece on the dinning room table.  I had to touch it to make sure it was real. Then weeks later, I went outside to have a telephone conversation on the back deck and there it was - wilted and dry - and put outside to die.  My heart bled.  I really have a hard time watching living things die unnecessarily, so I gathered up the pot and did a thorough inspection.  There wasn't a drop of moisture in the soil and only a total of about 5 leaves were on the plants. That was enough for me to decide that at least one of the bushes could be saved.

 
I carried it to my garden and introduced it to the other healthy plants hoping that it would be inspired to stay alive.  I placed it amongst them and watered it religiously every morning.  I spoke words of encouragement to it daily and added fertilizer to its water.  Then slowly, but surely I started seeing baby leaves emerging on 2 of the stalks that were left.  I was overwhelmed!  Then to my dismay they fell off again.  I continued to shower them with love and I was pleasantly rewarded again with another set of foliage.  This time the growth was continuous and steady and it once again bestowed its beauty upon me this time with a brand new yellow flower.

I also discovered today that my okra and tomato plants are in bloom as well.  Life is in Bloom! I realized how much I revered these plants  for their simple knowledge of their purpose. They know that their sole purpose is to produce flowers and fruits for the world.  They do not ponder or worry about how the world uses their produce.  They just provide it.  No matter where or in whose garden they find themselves, as long as they are alive and healthy, we are sure to receive their gifts.

 

Like the rose bush, the forces of nature have come together time and time again to ensure that I stay alive and well.  Every day I experience intense feelings of gratitude and wonder that bring me to tears. Very frequently in the most inappropriate places like on buses, trains, taxis, standing in line at the pharmacy or at a doctors appointment I would just start crying.  Not out pain or sorrow, but a joy and peace so deep and powerful whenever I remember what I have overcome or when I recognize that my journey, as long and tiresome as it feels, it is only just beginning.  And I guess you can imagine that I have a difficult time trying to convince unsuspecting by-standers that I'm o.k., I'm just happy.

This Canadian rose-bush in my garden, as small and insignificant as it may seem to most, serves  as a source of inspiration for me...that it is possible to overcome dire circumstances and still fulfill your purpose in this life.  I look at the rose and I see its strength, beauty and resilience.



I became a permanent resident on June 19, 2013. Never in my wildest imaginations did I ever think that I would one day be  living in New York.  Ever.  Since then I have been haunted by the knowledge that  I am alive for a purpose.  But what exactly is it?  What am I here to give to the world?"

The truth is, we all have a purpose or something to give to the world. Have you figured out what your life's purpose is yet?


Zara ~xoxo~